The bullying with no words, with no actions other than looks, sighs and giggles behind the person's back and some occasional words.
From around third grade to sixth grade I was a victim to silent bullying and no one noticed. Even today people speak about how happy I was as a kid, how imaginative and so on... In my diary at the time it says nothing about being bullied - I didn't understand I was.
I thought I deserved the looks, that they were right when they commented my height, that I was ugly, how I waved my hands around when I talked, how I sat, how I walked and my hair... which was said to be a wig.
SOME MEMORIES.
> A small child, probably a sibling to someone, came up to me out on the town and asked if s/he could pull my hair because s/he had heard I wore a wig. I said no.
> In 4th grade I had begged my mum to finally cut it off to a page, I had always had long hair. I thought that would end the rumours but apparently I then just switched to another wig.
> I also remember how a couple of classmates made fun of me for how I sat in gym class, I could see them and they knew I did.
> Another memory that's stuck in me is when a couple of boys older than me whom I didn't know, which I walked past on the town, laughed and called me ugly.
I thought they were right, that I deserved what they said. None of my parents acknowledged it wasn't right, neither did my teacher. My mum said that the mean kids were ugly on the inside, that didn't help me away from my hell, it was just a cliché crap to say.
HIGH SCHOOL. When I started junior high in 7th grade and switched class my self esteem was a bottom low. I didn't feel I was myself and that I tried to fit into a mold that wasn't me. Fortunately there were no bullying in that class and I slowly started to heal.
I didn't have the confidence to really break out from my mold until senior high (10th grade), in my new class full of theatre kids, dancers and singers. In senior high I could be myself.
TODAY. Even today I get insecure and is sometimes a bit too self aware about how I hold my hands, what I do, my height and of course my appearance. I think it's about me if someone laughs when they walk past me, even though I shouldn't. If someone calls me beautiful I can't grasp it and explain it away. I take personal critique (not critique on my work) to heart and dwell on it.
I'm working every day with bad memories from my past and one day I will be able to put them away and be, if not free, but at least not as heavy from all the weight.
That is why I every day try to use and tell about my experiences to help other people to see their worth, to understand that they shouldn't listen to those other people that just want to do harm. The people calling you names, who make fun of you or maybe even hit you - they're to blame, not you. I know it's hard but don't listen to them, don't let them win.
YOU. I wish I could take you all into my arms and tell you how amazing, how pretty, how smart and so on you are. I want you to know your self worth and never doubt your abilities.
SPEAK UP. I've stood silent when a classmate also was bullied (at the same time as me) and it still haunts me. I have talked with him later on, in senior high and then he said I was one of the nice ones - and I was (I know that deep down), I walked home with him sometimes, I put a Christmas card in his sock when no one else did... but I feel should've said something when they picked on him. I was just scared of what they would do to me so I never did.
Take care of each other and if you see someone get bullied, go inbetween or notify someone of it.
We all have weight to carry but we can use that weight and those experiences to do good, to help others. Use your experiences you have both for yourself to not make the same mistakes but also to be there for others who need a shoulder or someone in their corner.
I want you to know that I'm a note away, my shoulders are here if you need them. Anytime
Caja
ps 1. Do you have a story to share? Feel free to do so in the comments
ps 2. If you need support there's a Help with life forum here on dA. You can find me there sometimes answering those with few answers (I always fight for the underdog).
Remember: My space on deviantART is a place for love, caring and understanding
